Old Year, New Year

I often like to mark transitions points with a personal ritual, and New Year's Eve is a time I especially like to do this. It is such an obvious time to acknowledge the past, release old stuff, and look to the future. This year a new part of that process has been to bring the Oracle into it. I don't know why I haven't done that before. I guess I just got in a rut and didn't think of anything new. I'm glad I did it, though, because it brought a whole new dimension to the process.

So, in addition to my usual ritual, I drew three cards for the past, and three cards for the future. I was a little fuzzy about exactly what the past cards were to signify because I didn't really know what I wanted them to do. I thought I'd let them tell me as we went along. The three past cards were:

• The Oak Men (47)
• Honesty (40)
• Indi, reversed (63)

The Oak Men reminded me that sometimes old stuff is hard to release. Sometimes it takes courage and strength even to look at it, to see our part in it,to realize how it no longer serves us (if it ever really did), and to move on. They reminded me this strength is available to me through my roots in Earthmother and all I have to do is to draw on it. I felt a little shaken by this because I could see they meant it about it not being easy. But I don't have to handle this by myself—they'll help.

Honesty looked at me so earnestly that I realized I needed to look more honestly at the past, at my feelings about it, at what I wanted to release and why. He suggested that I'd have to continue doing this as well. I got the idea that he felt I was trying to skip over some things lightly when I really needed to look at them deeply. So I looked again at my list of things I wanted to release, considered each one more carefully, and added a bit to the list. Honesty stood beside me while I was doing this, pointing to things on the list and nodding or shaking his head.

The problem seemed to be not so much about thinking as about feeling. I was trying to release things without letting myself feel it much. Well, it's not the first time I've done that. So, there were some tears instead of my attempt at a brisk, no nonsense approach. And some smiles as well. He also reminded me that some of this was not likely to be a one-time "goodbye"—it was likely to take more than that—and I'd need to continue to take time to really feel the process, not just skip over it. Trying to slide past without feeling too much means I'm not actually letting go of much.

Indi, Mr. I-Can't-Make-Up-My-Mind himself, was very forthright about his advice. "Just make up your mind what you really really really want and say so! Don't shilly-shally!" In other words, none of the Libra hedging I usually do to avoid making a real commitment. If I am to get what I want, I've got to admit, at least to myself, that I really do want it and let myself feel that.

Okay, so far so good. Next, the cards for the future are:

• The Guardian of the Gate, reversed (3)
• Ekstasis (2)
• Himself (17)

I laughed aloud when I first saw the Guardian. Well, of course I was going through a gate into the new year. Then I thought about it a bit and about the fact that the card was reversed. It seemed to me that the Guardian was saying two things: not yet, and when you do, it's going to go whoosh! So, it seems to me that I have some finishing up to do with the old stuff before I can really move on, but that it's close and it's going to be powerful and quick when I'm ready. I can clearly sense that Gate ahead of me now and how it stands open and inviting.

When I picked up the Ekstasis card to look at it more closely, I felt this huge, sudden surge of joy—so much so that I couldn't move for a moment. I realized that there were tears in my eyes again, but this time tears of joy. My heart felt too big for my chest and it was hard to breathe for a few minutes. Then I had to stand up and dance around the room a little bit. It was just too hard to hold still. The last several years have been very difficult in many ways and joy has seemed less easy to connect with. I realize that Ekstasis doesn't promise that life will necessarily be easier, but that it shall be more joyful. This is extremely encouraging.

Last, but never least, Himself. I love Himself so much and always have. He is lover, protector, mate. He is the male counterpart to my inner goddess. I can just lean into his strength and feel secure and comfortable and cared for and happy. Now, on the whole, I'm quite happy with being on my own. I don't feel a need for someone to make my life all right (at least, not often and not much—Honesty was nudging me there) or to fill the empty spaces. My life nearly always feels quite full—even too full at times.

But sometimes I do have a longing for someone to be a companion, to closely share things with. Honesty is nudging me again, reminding me that I'd go nuts if someone was too close too much of the time. True, but there is a balance in all things, if only one can find it. And lately I've been feeling more and more that this much solitude isn't it, and I'd like to find that balance. Now, I don't know if Himself is saying that he is the balance and all I truly need, or if he is saying that a human man (manifesting Himself's energy) will come into my life to be a best friend and companion—and perhaps even more. That would be lovely, but I'm almighty picky there. He might just be saying that he will be more present in my life this year and that I won't feel the need of any more than his presence. I don't know, but I guess I'll find out.

Whoever you are, dear reader, wherever you may be, may the coming year bring joy and wisdom and prosperity to you! And may the fae bless you and yours, as they have me.